Abigail,
I’m a 42-year-old father who has been married for the past 13 years. We’ve had a great marriage for the most part with three wonderful kids. We have healthy social lives, together as a couple and individually. We both do activities outside the home such as Pilates and soccer. We go surfing together.
But in the last seven years, we’ve had sex once.
My wife started to pull away physically after our third child was born. At the time, we lived abroad for my work. We rallied around each other after the birth, but we were alone—some friends but no family. Then came the pandemic. Sex dried up completely, except once.
We made the decision to leave where we were and move to my home country, where a good job was on offer. We had friends there and family support. Though life wasn’t aggressively social, we did go out.
Our physical relationship was nonexistent. I tried to talk about this numerous times—“I’m struggling here,” “Would you consider therapy to address this”—but I was stonewalled with answers like: “I don’t know,” “This is the wrong time,” “Get over it, and be an adult.”
I found it very frustrating to not get a real discussion or response. It has been seven years. She’s fluctuated in her desire to sleep in the same bed as me, or get changed in the same room as me.
Despite all this, I love her, and we have a wonderful family. We have great holidays with our kids, though life can be tense at times when we’re at home and I’m working.
I’ve tried to address the sexlessness of our marriage. I communicate, we date, we go away without the kids, we go out separately. Nothing works.
Recently a co-worker in a similar situation more or less told me she wants to have an affair. Why shouldn’t I? I’ve tried to repeatedly address the issue. Nothing happens.
Divorce isn’t something I want as my kids are lovely and our life is mostly happy.
Should I really be sexless?
—Ed, 42
Ed,
“My wife won’t sleep with me” is among the most common letters I receive. You are far from alone.
Some men contemplate leaving as soon as the kids are out of the house. These men don’t want to leave, they tell me. But they’ve trudged along for years under a pall of rejection. One man wrote to tell me his wife occasionally gives in, stone-faced, with the aid of a vibrator, acting out an unhappy obligation.
Each case, on its surface, presents a husband and wife whose individual needs conflict. She doesn’t want sex and doesn’t understand why she should be called upon to provide it. She isn’t a sex worker. Shouldn’t sex be about mutual desire? Well, there isn’t any.
For his part, he wants sex desperately and more physical affection in general. He sets out to beg and bargain for it. It’s something he says he needs. Maybe they could find a way to compromise? Maybe she could give him more sex than she wants to, and he could ask for less than he desires?
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